I have been toying with the idea of opening up art commissions. I had done a few in the past, but the one thing that holds me back is this nagging feeling of inadequacy. I feel like the surge of popularity of the internet over the past decade has given rise to all sorts of talent that surpasses me by far. Which is absolutely wonderful; I am ecstatic that so many amazing artists have been able to gain recognition, and rightfully so! But nevertheless I find my work being submerged and often unnoticed. Which clearly means I need to step it up, beat down the apathy and self-consciousness, and just do art. That's what I'm here to do, after all.
That being said, I will be honest and say I have always had a love-hate relationship with working as a freelance artist. On the one hand, I'm getting paid to draw. My ultimate dream would be to make a living doing that. (An unrealistic one, they don't call us "starving artists" for nothing) But on the other hand, I often times find myself drawing things that are less than enjoyable. Which sometimes has me resenting the art itself. But that is the double-edged sword that I must learn to wield.
Either way, I have been letting my life stagnate for entirely too long. My life consists of no more than showing up for work and returning home to maybe browse the internet and maybe daydream about how I wish my life would be.
I guess you can call me a bit of a loser. Not a complete loser, mind you, since I do have a steady, stable job (thank Heavens). But have I lifted a finger to make friends or find hobbies outside of my comfort zone? No way. And no wonder I feel so under-stimulated. My argument against friend-making was that people drain me. And they do. It's something I've struggled to comprehend for ages and the only logical explanation that I can hope to come up with is that I over-exert myself by over-thinking everything that's said. Every facial expression. It's like I care too much what others think of me but at the same time I don't care at all.
I'm all but afraid of socialization. And I know that people sense this. It's not like this is anything new, either. As long as I can remember I haven't been very social. My mom has told me about my kindergarten teacher sending a letter home that stated she was worried about my development. That I would play with the other kids only in brief intervals and then I would go back to my desk to draw or color.
Some things never change, I suppose.
The thing that gets me, though. Is that there is a percentage of introverted people in the world. We are here. You probably know an introvert. Hell, you might even be one yourself. But extroverts are by nature so much more exuberant, and thus we are made to feel like there's something terribly wrong for not wanting to interact with others constantly. (I even had a former friend who was an infamous extrovert tell me that I was autistic because I lacked proper social skills..) So being brought up in a society where being alone is bad has me feeling downright confused and frankly ashamed over my socialization needs (or lack, thereof). So I'm left feeling torn, really. Should I be feeling lonely, when really I am content going out alone? Should I really accept the pity of strangers when they see me at the theater, at a restaurant, enjoying my own company? Should I feel ashamed for the (very rare) occasions that I request for time off and choose not to do anything that is deemed exciting to everyone else? Should I be embarrassed that holidays are really just another day to me?
Maybe one day I will have the answers to these questions. Until then I will keep asking them and allow the void to echo them back to me.
It was a pleasant surprise that this ended up being a longer entry than I had intended.
Until next time.
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Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.
― Alan W. Watts
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And the World Spins Madly On
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